When I'm gone
by Brilanna
Summary: What if the injuries Bella has after James, aren't only physical? Set at the end of Twilight. Rated T, just in case it gets out of hand. R&R! :D
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer_: I do not own „Twilight", Stephenie Meyer does and I'm glad she shared it with us… ;)

**WHEN I'M GONE**

**Prologue - DARKNESS –**

Around me, everything was dark.

I couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything, couldn't say anything. As if someone had put me into eternal darkness.

My body felt numb, as if something heavy had been rolled over me, breaking every bone in my body, leaving me with this mess of an existence.

Was it like that, when you died? I tried to think about some place like heaven, something I've heard of whenever I went to church with my mom. My mom. Suddenly, I felt a dull pain at the back of my throat. As if I had to choke, but something held me back. I tried to figure out what it was, but I couldn't. I didn't feel my hands to lift them and feel whatever was causing the pain.

This couldn't be heaven. Could it be hell? I tried to remember, if I really believed in these things. I couldn't and gave up.

'What about opening your eyes?' A tiny voice in my head spoke softly to me. Opening my eyes? I tried to locate them, tried to know, how to open them, but I couldn't. And gave up again.

The darkness pushed me back and crashed down again.

**Chapter 1 – WAKING UP – **

The first pain at the back of my throat had been nothing compared to the pain that came towards me now. Sharp, hot like burning iron against my skin, against this limp body that seemed to be mine. I wanted to scream, wanted to scream for help, for somebody to cool the heat inside me. But I couldn't. I tried to open my eyes once more and this time, something seemed to happen. Suddenly, the darkness was gone, there was a bright light that hurt my eyes even more and everything crashed down on me.

Noises, that hurt my ears, this beaming light that hurt my eyes, something sticking in my throat, that kept me from screaming out in terror.

And then, it was gone. I coughed and sobbed, not knowing what to do first. Hands lingered at my head, stroking my forehead. They were cool and oddly comforting, but I was frightened, sunk into some kind of dull terror that I couldn't get a hand on. "Isabella…", a voice said near my right ear. Isabella? Nobody called me Isabella, at least not when I was around. Slowly, the terror subsided, leaving only the pain behind and the numbness in my head. "She's awake.", I heard someone mumble and I closed my eyes again.

I didn't recognize the voice. "Bella…", the voice said again, this time with urgency in it. "Please, open your eyes once more." I considered this, how bad would it hurt? But I obeyed.

The face above me was pale, with strange eyes that seemed to shimmer gold in the white light that came from a lamp that hang from the ceiling. The face's expression was concerned, yet it seemed to relax itself with some kind of relief. I looked into the eyes, should I say something? I wasn't sure, if I was able to anyway, so I kept my mouth shut. "Welcome back.", the voice, that seemed so unfamiliar to me, said. Back? From where? I narrowed my eyes, trying to remember whatever had happened. Had I been run over by a car or something? It was obvious now that I was lying in a hospital bed, the white ceiling and walls, the smell of illness all around. I exhaled deeply, realizing that it hurt a lot somewhere where my chest should have been, but where I only felt the numb body I had felt before. The one that didn't seem to be mine. Deep in thought, I had nearly forgotten the eyes that still looked at me. Curiosity in them. "Are you in pain?", the voice asked. I nodded slightly. "The…", my voice didn't obey to my will. I had to cough again. "Burn…", I managed at least and wanted to point at my chest, but something hold me back. I didn't want to see what it was, at least, I didn't really think I was able to move my head in the direction. "Your injuries are severe, but the doctor said you'll be 100% again." A cold hand rested against my cheek, I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted, but the coldness was comforting, so I didn't flinch back. I closed my eyes, wanting the darkness to take me with it again. I felt the hand go away and then the relief of the blackness surrounded me again.

~*~

_Please let me know if you liked it. I'm not sure where this will lead me. Thanx! :-) Brill!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 –Not knowing–**

When I opened my eyes the next time, I felt a lot better than before. The pain in my throat was gone and I seemed to feel some of my chest again and the part up to my neck. There was still the beeping sound, but the light was somehow dimmed and didn't hurt my eyes anymore. I inhaled deeply, the hospital air and some sweet scent that was in it. I managed to look around a bit and recognized a figure lying on a sofa that stood at the right side of my bed. It didn't move and I couldn't see who it was, but I knew who I wanted to see. "Mom?", I whispered, clearing my throat. The figure was on its feet in no time, it kind of shocked me. I realized the figure of a tall man with pale skin. I thought it through and came to the conclusion that it must be the same face that I had seen the last time my eyes had opened. The man was next to me in a second, a smile on his face. He was very beautiful, as if he was some kind of male model. "Bella…", he said with relief in his voice. "You're awake." I nodded shyly, when he stroke my forehead again with cold fingers that I seemed to recognize. "Where's my mom?", I said silently looking at the left side of the room, but the door was closed and there didn't seem to be anybody else in the room. "She's gone home, it's night time." "Then why are you here?", I asked, unsure if that would sound rude. "Are you my doctor or something?" The stroking fingers froze on my forehead and he frowned. "What do you mean?" I bit my lip and didn't speak again. "You don't recognize me?", he asked and I could hear some hidden pain in his voice. Should I recognize him? I tried to search my memory, but I was sure that I would have remembered someone like him at once. He wasn't what one would call common. "I… don't know…", I said warily, not wanting to upset him. "Um… It's alright. Don't worry.", he said, but I could see that it was painful according to the look on his face. He stood up. "I'll get you a doctor to check on you, ok?" I nodded and watched him leave. Should I have recognized him?

Minutes later, he was back, with a blonde haired doctor, who seemed even as beautiful as he was. He was quite young for being a doctor, I thought to myself, but said nothing. "Bella, how are you feeling?", the doctor asked calmly. I tried to shrug a bit, but gave up at that part and cleared my throat to speak. "I don't quite know. There's this burning pain in my chest." I wanted to say 'I'm fine.' instead, but I thought I should keep this for my mother to prevent her from freaking out. "Some of your ribs are broken, that's where the pain comes from." He was looking at the monitors next to me and then held his hand to my forehead to check my temperature. I flinched back a bit, his hand was nearly as cold as the other men's. Was it wintry outside? I tried to figure out which season it was, but I didn't succeed. "So, do you know, how all of this happened to you?", the doctor asked and looked into my eyes. His had the same golden shimmer, I wondered why that was or if I was just imagining it. I tried to find some reason for laying here, a car accident or something else. I shook my head. "No, I'm not sure." "Okay…", he said firmly and took a note on my chart. "I'll give you some more sleeping medicine so that you're awake when your mother comes to visit in the morning, alright?" I nodded and closed my heavy eyelids. I heard some rambling next to me and then footsteps. I could feel sleep coming, but before I drifted into unconsciousness, I heard the doctor saying something. "Edward, calm down. It's amnesia…" Edward? I thought, I might remember someone called Edward. And amnesia? What did he mean? But before I could figure anything out, my mind went dead.


	3. Chapter 3 Realization

_**Here's chapter 3! I hope you like it. I know it's not the most original plot, but I hope, I'll make something good out of it. Read and let me know, what you think!**_

_**D.: I don't owe Twilight or any of the characters. Cheers to SM! ;)**_

**Chapter 3 – Realization – **

I opened my eyes to brilliant sunlight falling into my room through the big window at its end. The shadows of last night were gone, instead, my mother was sitting at the edge of my bed, holding my right hand. She smiled, as I opened my eyes, but I could see tears glistening at the corners of her eyes. "Mom…", I whispered and squeezed her hand tightly in mine. It didn't hurt a bit and I was glad. "Bella. How could you let this happen to yourself?", she asked silently, the tears very present in her shaking voice.

"I'm sorry, Mom. It's alright, really. I'm fine." And in fact, it felt as if I was. Waking up to a known face, a beloved face was far better than waking up and seeing someone I didn't know. It was like really coming home. I realized that my mom's hand was very warm, I glanced outside at the sunlight again and wondered, if I had been imagining the cold hands of the doctor and the other male last night. "Bells, what's wrong?" I must have looked quite thoughtful and she was already concerned at my look. "Are you in pain? Should I get you a doctor?" "No!", I said, maybe a bit too quickly. I just wanted her to be there for me, to hold her hand and know that somehow everything would turn out fine. "No, really. It's okay. I guess, I'm already getting enough pain medication, don't I?" I didn't want to look at the IV I knew must have stuck in my hand right now. She smiled slightly. "I guess you are." "So, how long have I been unconscious?", I asked now really curious. "For about one and a half weeks.", she answered and I felt my mood sinking. "Gosh…", I mouthed and closed my eyes. "Why do I always need to get into some kind of car accident or something? I don't think that's fair according to all the people living in Phoenix. Some of the others should have some bad luck as well, won't they?" I heard her chuckle and looked up again. "It was an accident, right?" "Well, sort of.", she answered, stroking the back of my hand. I frowned. 'Sort of' sounded weird to me. It must have been some car accident or stuff… "You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window, Bells." _That_ sounded exactly like me, I had to admit. "At school?", I asked, already being a little concerned about the reactions of the other students. Clumsy Bella, has to nearly get herself killed because of trapping. Ugh. "No, not at school. You went to the motel, where Edward was staying with his family. It happened on your way to his room."

Confusion slowly crept into my consciousness. "Edward?", I asked, feeling tension building inside of me. I should have recognized him apparently, hadn't I? "I know, you don't remember how it all happened, Bella. That's okay. You hit especially your head pretty hard. Dr. Cullen said it was normal if you didn't remember anything about the fall." In fact, I wasn't concerned about not remembering the fall. "I…", I paused. She would freak out if I told her, I didn't remember this Edward either, wouldn't she? "When can I go home?", I asked instead. Knowing already, I would have to stay here longer than just a few days. "I don't know, maybe another month or so…" A month? I just fought back the urge to cry, when somebody knocked at my door. "Come on in!", my mother said and straightened in her place at the edge of my bed. In came the gorgeous doctor, smiling obviously at me being awake. "Good morning.", he said soothingly and took a look at my chart. "How are you feeling today?" I tried to smile a little, forcing back the knot that started to build itself up at the back of my throat. "Better." He smiled as well. "Do you mind, if I talk to your daughter alone for a second?" Renée stood up at once. "No, of course not. I'll have to call my husband anyway." She turned to me and kissed my forehead. "I'll be back after lunch, alright?" Trying to look convincingly, I nodded. She couldn't leave me now. I wasn't sure if it was my turn to freak out now. I remembered the word I had heard last night before going to sleep. _Amnesia_… Could I have lost my mind?

Renée exited the room and the doctor sat down where she had sat just some seconds ago. "So…", he mumbled, looking at the monitor at my right. "I have to excuse myself, I didn't even tell you, who I was. My name is Carlisle Cullen, I've taken care of you since the 'accident'." I gulped, trying to push the knot back and nodded. "Alright, Bella. Your body is healing very well, I think, you might be able to go home in about 3 or 4 weeks. What I'm a little concerned about is the fact that you don't seem to remember a thing that happened that day, do you?" I shook my head lightly. "What's wrong with me?", I asked, realizing the whiny tone that let my voice nearly break. "I think you might be suffering from a disease called retrograde amnesia. Things like this occur after a traumatic incident, the patient cannot remember the course of the incident and maybe also things before that." "You mean, I've lost my mind?" "No…", he corrected, smiling slightly. "Things like this are not unusual, Bella. Don't worry too much. Sometimes, the patient only needs some time to gather the things that happened. I just need to know, how much you're missing. Could you tell me what you remember as the last thing you did, please?" I searched my head for things I remembered. I thought about Mom and Phil, and how he didn't get signed, how he had to travel a lot and how Mom had been upset about being separated from him. "I thought about moving.", I said out loud. "My mom got remarried, she was upset, because Phil travelled so much and so I thought, I might move and live with my dad. Charlie lives in Washington…", I added. Realizing at once, that I had forgotten to tell him something, that I missed something really important, but everything I could see in my head was darkness and then waking up in this hospital. Dr. Cullen nodded. "Alright… Did your mother tell you how you ended up here?" "Yes.", I agreed and the tension started building up again. "I can't remember the guy that has been with me last night.", I said silently, looking at the quilt. He cleared his throat. "I thought so." "He was the one I went to see when I fell down these stairs, right?" I looked into the strange golden eyes of his. He nodded. "It seems so, yes. Edward, he's my son." It felt as if I had to burst, as if I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Your… son?", I choked. Realization rushed over me. I must have had a serious head injury, if it could cause me to forget all about this. "Bella, relax. It's alright, please don't try to blame yourself. Your mind tries to get over something really traumatic, getting hurt the way you was is not easy to deal with. Nobody is angry with you…" I remembered the pain I had seen in the golden eyes of this Edward. I must have upset him. Where did we meet? Why did I go to his place? Alone? "Do you want to sleep?", he asked, standing up. I didn't look up, but nodded and closed my eyes. Fear was everything I could feel. Which part of my brain was missing? Which part of my life went missing, just because of falling down some stairs? Which part of myself?

Sleep didn't come this time. Even after Dr. Cullen left and the noises around me turned to humming sounds in the back of my head, something inside of me seemed to rebel against going to sleep. Against maybe forgetting everything once more. What if I closed my eyes and woke up to something even scarier than this? What if I didn't woke up again?


	4. Chapter 4 Goodbyes

**Chapter 4 – Goodbyes –**

Somehow, the pain subsided. The physical one as well as the psychological. What should I have done anyway? There was no memory coming back to me no sign of me realizing which connection I had to the strange male with his golden eyes. I didn't want to cause anyone pain, but what about my own?

For some days, only my mother visited me, staying nearly most of the day, reading to me, telling about Phil getting signed in Jacksonville and how nice it would be, when we first moved there. It felt odd, having to leave school now, as she had told me that the school year was already reaching its end. Nevertheless, I felt grateful for her enthusiasm and for the description of sunny beaches and warmth. I loved sunshine, felt bad whenever it rained or even – ugh – snowed.

And then, one day, after Renée had left and I was nearly ready to go asleep, someone knocked at my door. "Yes?", I said and sat up in my bed. The ribs had healed and I had already tried to walk around a bit, but the broken leg kept me from leaving the room. The door opened and a woman entered; she was short, looking open and nice, with short hair and lively eyes. Behind her, the male called Edward entered. I tried to breathe evenly, but my heart began to thud really fast. I couldn't really explain this to myself.

"Hello.", the women said, stopping a few inches from my bed. "Hi.", I answered shyly, realizing how graceful she moved. "Good evening.", Edward said, clearing his throat. Something about him was different. I couldn't quite get a grip on it, but something about his face scared and fascinated me at once. "I'm Alice", the women said. "Edward's sister. We used to know each other." I nodded. "I'm sorry, I don't remember you." I coughed lightly, trying to hide my insecurity. "Don't be. We know, it's not your fault. How are you doing?" "Quite well. Your father said I might be able to go home in a week or so." I smiled at that thought. "That's excellent!", Alice said, smiling warmly. I nodded. For a few moments, no one of us said anything, until Edward cleared his throat.

"We just came over to see how you're doing.", he said and ran his hand through his hair. It had a strange bronze colour, I hadn't realized before. "That's nice of you." I looked at him, not able to take my eyes off of the face that so oddly affected me. I knew him once; did we like each other? I couldn't really believe that, he looked like some kind of model in his designer clothes; I couldn't even picture myself talking to him. Or his sister.

"And to tell you goodbye." I realized him flinching at the word 'goodbye', as if it caused him physical pain. Alice took a step towards her brother. "We heard that you're moving as soon as you leave the hospital and weren't sure if we'd be able to see you beforehand." I saw her putting her right hand on Edward's back. He seemed to breathe heavily.

"Alright." And there it was again. The knot at the back of my throat that made talking very hard, if not impossible at that moment. "I hope you like it in Florida." I smiled at Alice, drawing my eyes back to her brother. There was pain coming for me, I knew it, exhaustion, insecurity. "Take care of yourself.", Edward said firmly, clenching his hands to fists at his sides. "I'll try…", I said, unsure if there was something else I should have said before they left. Something to make it up to them. Make up for my deficiency.

"Goodbye, Bella." And then, they were gone. With a silent 'click', the door shut behind them. I lay back against the pillow, feeling oddly empty, as if they had taken something of me with them. As if they had taken something out of my heart to take with them. And I knew at once that I would never see them again.

_So, th__is was Chapter 4… Did you like it? I hope so… I'll try to write some more and get the story going… ;) Lots of love, B._


	5. Chapter 5 Moving on

_Sorry, it took me so long to update… Had some stuff to do and was kind of busy with my second Twilight-FF "Break myself"! :) I hope you like it, review! Next chapter might change the POV, I'm not quite sure… What do you think? Love, B._

**Chapter 5 – Moving on – **

My mom got me home about 1 ½ weeks later. At the house, everything seemed to be packed already. I hobbled inside on my crutches, feeling glad to be back again. "The moving company will get all the stuff in about an hour and then Phil will drive us to the airport." I could hear the enthusiasm in her voice and smiled a little.

"Do you think, they'll let me through the metal detectors with all the iron inside of my leg?", I teased and sat down on the sofa that had already been wrapped up in plastic. "I'm quite sure about that!" She smiled at me. "I'm glad you're back home, Bells!" I nodded. "I am as well, mom, believe me."

But something about this place felt strange to me. Not the fact that there were boxes everywhere, but as if I didn't come home to this place for the last months. "Did you pack my stuff as well?", I asked, looking around and she nodded. "Yes, it wasn't a big thing, since you had some of your things with Charlie…" I frowned. "With Charlie?" I hadn't seen my father in years, not since I disobeyed in spending summer at rainy Forks.

"Umm…" She looked as if I had caught her at something that was strictly forbidden. "I mean…" Searching for a way to explain it all, her forehead creased.

"Mom! Don't try to lie to me! You're not the best liar in the world… Tell me the truth, please!" I begged her, not really sure if I could stand it – the truth I mean. I wasn't able to remember a thing, I had really moved to Forks?

"Honey, Dr. Cullen said it wouldn't help if I tried to regain your memory, but it had to come back on its own." I shivered. How could something come back to me when I wouldn't even recognize it walking past me? "Mom…", I gulped, my throat was dry. "You went to live with your Dad nearly a year ago now. That's where you met Dr. Cullen and his family."

I was stunned. Looking at her, I still felt like seeing nothing, like staring right through her into the strange darkness I had seen in my dreams nearly every night at the hospital. "Bella, are you alright?" Her voice sounded far away, like someone calling to you through heavy dust. "Just give me a moment…", I said quietly, getting up, nearly falling down on my way to the bathroom.

I sank down on the ground, hurting myself, but not making a sound. I felt the tears coming. It felt as if somebody had ripped half of me away. How could one lose nearly one year because of falling down some stairs? How could one seem to be all alone at once? I sobbed; my shirt was already wet with the salty tears that streamed down my cheeks. There had been people I became friends with, like Dr. Cullen and his family. People, who seemed to care about me. Why should they have come to Phoenix else way? Plus: Why had I come back to Phoenix?

I wanted to scream at myself, to slap me, telling me to stop being such a coward and just _remember_… "Bella?" I heard the soft knock at the door and suddenly, my mom was next to me on the ground, comforting me. "Bella, it's alright. Don't worry, you will remember soon, I'm sure." Her tears mixed with mine. I tried, but I couldn't control the sobs that shook my body steadily…

When I was able to control myself, mom was gone. The guys of the moving company had arrived. I still sat on the ground, hugging myself. I felt empty, I couldn't cry anymore, all the tears were gone. I was so eager for all the things I had lost that I had tried nearly half an hour to imagine the relationship I had had with all of these guys. Especially with the one called Edward. I didn't jump to any conclusion.

"Bells? We need to go, Phil is waiting.", I heard my mom's voice from the other side of the bathroom door. I inhaled deeply. "I'm coming." I stood up awkwardly; my limps were stiff from cowering on the floor so long. When I opened the door, she looked at me with pain in her eyes.

"Everything will be alright, Sweetheart.", she said and hugged me. "I'm sure.", I answered and wiped away the last salty tears.

When we got into the car, I threw a last glance at my old home. It still felt strange, as if something bad had happened the last time I had seen the familiar house…

But then, Phil started the engine and in a matter of seconds, it was out of my sight. It was by then, that I slowly began to realize, that life might have given me some second chance. A chance to start all over again. That wasn't really that bad, was it?

And with this thought in mind, I left Phoenix behind…


End file.
